August 2020

This has been a week full of surprises!  I was honored to officiate at the funeral of a 100-year-old Grande Dame who had lived an adventurous and full life as she traveled and worked around the world for the US government.  It was in 98-degree weather however, complicated by a situation beyond the control of the family or myself which was very stressful.

I went into a downward spiral triggered by this situation.  My post-concussion symptoms were retriggered (headaches, decreased memory/concentration, and body aches); I sobbed from my gut; I had lost a sense of myself.  What I did not realize was that I had not yet experienced my grief about the post-concussion.  I was exhausted by the COVID crisis and the way our country is being torn apart right now.  I had also just lost our beloved Uncle Tom the previous week.  

The truth about grief is that it can be triggered by something that seems totally unrelated.  It can be about unresolved previous losses; the anniversary of the previous losses of loved ones;  multiple losses in a short or long period of time, or a combination of all these factors.

All that I was going through created a perfect storm for a huge grief reaction.  I had to BREAK DOWN TO BREAKTHROUGH! I had to let myself grieve at the deepest levels.   When I allowed this to happen this time, it took 24 hours.  (It is not always that fast and I will undoubtedly grieve again!).  I also reached out to my husband, our doggie, a few trusted friends, a healthcare professional, and God.

Out of this, many gifts came.  The seemingly impossible situation out of my control was resolved with a powerful phone call.  My physical therapist provided incredible support, reassuring me that stress of any kind could retrigger my symptoms, that grieving the concussion was needed, and that I had come out on the other side.  I was able to participate in the live streaming of my uncle’s funeral Mass with both sadness and joy.

So, these are examples of the gifts grief can give us if we can just allow ourselves to go THROUGH it.  We DO NOT GET OVER OUR GRIEF, BUT WE CAN GET THROUGH IT!  

Let me close with a childhood song (without hand motions!) learned in church camp and that I often used with Hospice patients and in bereavement support groups.

            So high you can’t get over it,

            So low you can’t get under it,

            So wide you can’t get around it,

            You gotta go through the door!  

Blessings to each of you as you go through life’s journey of grief and healing!

Carolyn

When the telephone rang on Wednesday morning August 19, and I saw it was Aunt Joan, my heart sank. “Oh no,” I thought, “It’s Uncle Tom!”  Sure enough, Aunt Joan, his youngest sister, told me he had passed away peacefully with Aunt Diane and his children around him.  

Uncle Tom had entered Hospice the month before and had done well with care from his wife Diane and oldest daughter Mary doing core caregiving for him, his two youngest sons spending nights when needed, and his youngest daughter Janet being available whenever she could. Tom had been successfully battling a rare form of cancer for many years until he had maxed out on the treatment he could have.  

I had been a mess all day Tuesday with grief, which is usually what happens to me just before the death of a loved one. Even though Aunt Diane had phoned me that he was declining, I still was not ready.  I thought he had more time!  I called Aunt Diane and his children who were on speakerphone and lost it! I had tried to hold it together because I have this thing that as the oldest grandchild on that side of the family, I want to be there for others.  Not that day.   

 Uncle Tom lived a long life of almost 85 years, the same as his Mom Elizabeth.  My Mom, his oldest sister Barb, used to joke that by the time he came along as the 7th of 9 kids, Elizabeth was running out of names, and so Tom’s middle name was after Dr. Leo Foy who had delivered 8 of the 9 kids!  

Tom was close to both his parents.  Following his Dad into the Bureau of Reclamation, he worked as a surveyor.  He could fix anything and helped his folks and others whenever he could.

Tom loved his brothers and sisters.  He was especially close to his youngest sisters Margaret (Margie) and Joan.  He never missed a family reunion except one, traveling from Washington State to wherever the reunions were held. He made it to our latest one in Wyoming last year. He also organized one at Sullivan Dam where he and Diane spent many summers.

Tom visited his older siblings as they aged.  When my own Mom had to move into Assisted Living, he and Diane stayed with her afterward when I had to leave, and Uncle Tom put together a table and bathroom equipment to help Barb.  

Tom and Diane also spent many years wintering in Yuma, Arizona, where they had many friends. They would come to Phoenix, too, to see my husband and me, and Aunt Mary would come from New Mexico sometimes for fun-filled weekends at swap meets, retail therapy, celebrating birthdays, and just hanging out. 

Tom and Diane also came a few times for our yearly Christmas open houses.  One of my favorite memories was Uncle Tom meeting my oldest stepdaughter for the first time.  He wrapped his arms around her and said, “Welcome to our family.”  She burst into tears as he held her. 

The other unforgettable memory of Uncle Tom which is seared into my heart was at the memorial Mass for his younger sister Margie.  When Margie’s oldest son Ruben arrived, he and Tom silently wrapped their arms around each other and held each other for several minutes.  

Tom was married twice, first to Aunt Kathy who was the mother of their 5 children whom he loved dearly.  He also loved her 4 older children.  Aunt Kathy died unexpectedly when she was young, and it was very devastating for everyone. Tom took me to visit her grave at my request, which was very special.   Her wicked sense of humor, her down to-earthiness, her outgoingness, and her boundless love for her children are still missed.  

Tom then married Aunt Diane, and they had many happy years living, traveling, and being there for each other through thick and thin. He embraced Diane’s children, too.  He and ALL of his grandchildren dearly loved each other!   

Tom was soft-spoken and often quiet, but when he spoke, it could be with humor, common sense, and lots of wisdom!  He was a man of deep Catholic faith, which he lived his entire life. He was SPECIAL to all who crossed his path!  

Your wife, your children, your grandchildren, your siblings, your numerous nieces and nephews, cousins, and friends will miss you sorely Tom Stevenson, but we are so GLAD you brought your SPECIALNESS into our lives!  WE LOVE YOU NOW AND ALWAYS!  

Your oldest niece, 

Carolyn Elizabeth 

(Inspired by the writings of Jason Beckom)

Thank you first responders in healthcare for your courage, your dedication, your commitment to care for the sickest among us.

Thank you my awesome RN husband for working in hospitals the past 35+ years in ER and floor nursing to tirelessly care for others.

Thank you daughter for working as a CNA in a nursing home caring for the sick and vulnerable.

Thank you all in healthcare for taking care of us who have other health care needs.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie, my primary care doctor of 24 years, for being there for me through thick and thin, especially through the past several months.

Thank you to my healthcare specialists, especially physical therapy, in helping me to recover myself the past few months.

Thank you first responders toiling in the fields harvesting crops so we might have food.

Thank you, road warriors (both local and long-distance), working tirelessly to deliver needed goods.

Thank you, postal workers, for working under stressful conditions to keep the mail going, especially for those needing to get their medications, and helping to ensure vote by mail.

Thank you for those working in retail, fast food, and other services who make it possible for our needs to be supplied.

Thank you, parents, who have to work either at home or in an office and juggle their children’s needs, especially educational, during Covid-19.

Thank you, teachers and other school personnel, who are so dedicated to teaching online or in-person to meet our children’s educational needs.

A Shoutout to our daughter who works in-person 3 days a week teaching special needs children.

Thank you to all those who strive to keep our communities and our world safe under stressful conditions.

Thank you to those who help their neighbors in numerous and myriad ways!

Thank you to those in community agencies who help provide food, income, and other basic needs to those struggling during these difficult times.

Thank you to all who provide support to others online in a variety of ways– humor, pictures of nature, adventures in nature, prayer, words of encouragement, support groups.

Thank you all who are finding new ways to cope, be it slowing down, or getting things done!

Thank you Nature itself for helping us to breathe, to heal, to enjoy your wonders.

Thank you for the human ability to not only survive tough times, but to endure, and to come out on the other side!

Thank you for our fellow humans, our families, our friends, our pets who help us cope, remind us of love, and provide CONNECTION!

Thank you for our spiritual beliefs to sustain us, to bring us comfort, and to share with others.

Thank you Jason Beckom for reminding us to BE THANKFUL in oh so many ways!

Blessings,

Carolyn Quinn