In all my years on earth both personally and professionally, I have found that the most difficult, and also most necessary of all life’s experiences, is in relationship to ourselves, others, and God (however you define God). So, over the next few weeks, I will be focusing on these relationships.
Healing: I have struggled from the earliest memory with self-esteem. There seem to be two basic kinds of self-esteem:
1. Internal self-esteem–how you feel about and view yourself regardless of anyone else.
2. External or other self-esteem–how you are viewed by others (or how you think you are viewed) and its effect on you.
I remember feeling good about myself from earliest memory at age 3. This was in direct tension with feeling unsure about myself too, mostly in relationship to the greater world. So, from our earliest time, even in utero, we are influenced by factors in relationship to others and the greater world. It is almost impossible not to be. So, from my earliest beginning, it seems there were two parts of me, one feeling so good about myself, and one in tension with my relationship to the bigger world and how it affected me.
Connections: As a small child, feeling good about myself was reflected in my boldness to go up to others, and confidently say, “Hi, I’m Carolyn, I’m 4 years old, do you want to hear me sing my favorite songs?” Mom told me often the first word I said after Mommy and Daddy was “Why?” So that insatiable curiosity I have always had has been there from the beginning. I also felt an unspeakable connection with something which I could not put into words. However, I often also felt unsure of myself as we moved to 18 different towns by the time I was age 6. On the one hand, this has left me with a lifelong sense of adventure to travel, experience new things, new places, new people. At the same time, I have always had the need to trust, to be anchored, to feel safe, to belong, which I often do not feel.
I am currently experiencing this feeling of being unanchored, unsafe, untrusting, and not belonging, all related to a serious fall I had 6 weeks ago when my blood pressure suddenly dropped and I fainted and hit the floor. (I have no memory of this). I am now also experiencing post-concussion symptoms. Isn’t it amazing what can throw you into those earliest needs and fears? I feel like I do not know myself and I am starting over. All this in the midst of a pandemic and the amazing, necessary metamorphosis our country is struggling with right now!
More on these issues in next week’s blog! Hopefully, my mind and memory will be more clear!
Blessings,
Carolyn Q.
