Another year over, and what have we done? These past two years have been more “What have we NOT done?!
Even though I have learned (sometimes painfully) how to be with myself much more, (complicated by the effects of a concussion which took months of doing nothing except for 3 months of PT, in addition to Covid imposed isolation), there were major changes in my life.
The biggest was experiencing 10 deaths in 12 months, starting with my beloved Uncle Tom in July 2020, and quickly followed by the deaths of a classmate to Covid, my beloved Aunt Faye at Christmas, former work colleagues, friends, and our beloved rescue dog Bo.
I have not been able to write about Aunt Faye much till now. She was a true friend to me, and I considered her and Uncle Mick a second set of parents who I could reach out to when I could not reach out to my own parents. She became sick during the holidays and put up a valiant fight until December 12, 2020.
I have included our last picture together taken three years ago on my last visit to my home state of Kansas.
And maybe that illustrates the crux of my grief, not being able to get home every six months to visit family and friends, driving the backroads, experiencing memories of my life, soaking up the earth and nature. But most of all, not being able to get recharged, renewed, reinvigorated. The worst has been not being able to attend the services of lost loved ones, or being with friends.
But of course, I have not been alone in this Covid journey. One of my dearest friends who lives between Tucson and Pennsylvania and nearby states, lost her mother to Covid one year ago this week and her oldest brother in the past two weeks, also to Covid. She said these two losses bookend a challenging year. And this illustrates so much of what so many have experienced and still are.
But there have been many gifts out of all this isolation, stress, and weariness of Covid and concussion.
I have learned to be with myself and enjoy it, to be quieter inside and out, to reach out to others through social media, this blog, re-establishing relationships with classmates, and also meeting others from around the world.
I have an incredible church family and community which has helped sustain me, providing support through online services, a private Facebook support group, getting to help others through doing pastoral care, and receiving my own pastoral care… I also have an incredible network of family and friends, my husband Don, and our beloved new and amazing rescue Bella. (My husband says she is a human in dog form!).
Through the post-concussion, a bunch of anxiety, worry, and hurtful memories have been knocked out of me, making space for periods of sheer blankness, more compassion, understanding others’ experience, thinking outside the box, and gaining more common sense! (My Dad, Mom, and brother were all gifted with common sense, but not so much me. It just proves we can keep changing, learning, growing, right up to the end of our lives.
The biggest gift has been learning to turn things over to the God of my understanding, instead of always doing things MY WAY. And out of this, I CHOOSE not to eliminate persons from my life whose points of view and beliefs are different from my own. Instead, I CHOOSE LOVE, and to come from this space of LOVE as much as I can in ALL situations! A mighty tall order. Coming from this place also means being courageous in relationship to myself, others, and the world!
Wishing you ALL THE BEST IN THIS COMING NEW YEAR, whatever it may bring!
Blessings
Carolyn
