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    LASTING MEMORIES:  FIRST TRIP TO DUBOIS, WY, THE GRAND TETONS, AND YELLOWSTONE

     It has been such a difficult year for everyone.  I thought it would slow down as Covid seems under better control.  But this is not the case.  Everyone in my world, including me, continues to go through serious stressors.

    As of yesterday, I have now gone through 10 deaths in 10 months of close family and friends, only one to Covid. I also have many close friends and family going through MAJOR serious illness and treatment, especially this past week.  My reaction:  I broke down emotionally, followed by my back going out!  

    In addition to medications to help myself, I asked, “What else can I do?!”  And up came my family’s first long trip to see my maternal grandparents and family in Washington State!  My memories from that trip are lasting. Some of the most important which I still carry in my heart is now shared in words and images!

   We traveled by car in our 4 door forest green Mercury!  I do not remember details so much, just the utter EXCITEMENT of it all.  And the first time I saw the Grand Tetons, those rugged, jagged mountains, spires of the mountain tops piercing the sky, some dusted with snow left from winter.  Those mountain tops pierced ME And still do to this day!  These remain my Favorite mountains of all! Gotta get back there!

      My next clear memory was Yellowstone National Park.  I picked images to reflect my clearest memories!  The mountains in the distance, the magnificent waterfalls, the pine trees, the hiking trails, the wildlife, the iridescent geysers shimmering in the sun!  But most of all, Old Faithful shooting straight up out of its seemingly quiet pool, cascading and spraying in all directions as it tumbled back to earth!  Nothing like it, even our shooting falls in Fountain Hills, AZ.  

    And last, the small town of Dubois, Wyoming, snow-covered mountains in the background, the Wind River meandering through, the rustic old town, part cowboy, log cabins, and buildings everywhere!  To this day, it has been my dream of Where To Live!  

    And my Mom’s fantasy of what Heaven would be:  Dad had built them a log cabin, complete with a front porch and rocking chairs, the mountains, river, and pine trees in view, and them rocking their way into Heaven!  Do not know how you can beat that!  

The Tetons

Old Faithful

Grand Tetons

Dubois, WY. A town I still carry in my heart.

Rams, Dubois

 It is my hope you carry images in your heart that help inspires you and heal you in the midst of difficult times!

PS:  Please feel free to share what helps heal you!  We could all use this right now!

Blessings,

Carolyn  

I have been so fortunate to have had two Moms, my birth Mom and forever Mom, Barbara Stevenson Walters, and my Bonus Mom Eleanor known as Lee.  Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day to both of you! 

The older I get, the more meaningful and precious I am aware of the earthly time I spent with my Mom Barbara.  I miss her every day.  Some of my favorite memories:

•  How she would bravely be by herself while Dad was working somewhere else during the week when my brother and I were so little.  How she would let her chores go and sit down on the floor with us to play, read us books, teach us slightly bawdy songs she had learned from her Dad!  
• How she went to work when I was in high school to help send me to college, how she continued to work because she liked it so much, and how she had to retire at age 48 due to a heart problem.
• How she let me learn to cook on my own because I could not take advice or orders!  (And the family ate it anyway)!  Once I left home, she was always available to give me advice when I needed it, make holiday bread with her, send me recipes from Heloise with handy tips on everything from A to Z!  She was always there for my brother and me!
• Once she became a widow, we talked 2x DAILY on the phone for 14+ years, until her major stroke.  I miss this the most
• How with each stage of her life when she had to adapt to giving up the family home, and then move into independent, assisted living, and finally the nursing home, she said, “My Grandma and Mom were my role models on doing this, so I can too!” And she did with grace and grit!  
• How she was there for me when I had my bad concussion last year, cradling me as I lay on the floor.  I know you are my Guardian Angel Mama Bear!  

I met my Bonus Mom at age 26.  We were both at a difficult time in our lives.  I was picking up the pieces to start a new life after a divorce, a disastrous move to California, and a return home to live with my folks.  Lee at age 45 had lost her husband to a heart attack while he was hunting, was deeply depressed with her grief, and was trying to start over with the help of her two daughters.  I became the third daughter.  

We had a tight-knit group of 5 friends, went out together every Wednesday to a club, went shopping, and shared life’s secrets.  Lee was the Mom I could share anything with!  

I helped Lee and her daughter get her into counseling through the Menninger Foundation which helped save her life. She then got a great job with the Kansas Bar Association. I went through the breakdown of her youngest daughter into serious mental illness with her and her oldest daughter, a truly devastating experience that was lifelong. 

Our birthdays were 4 days apart, and we would always celebrate at the Red Lobster.  Once I moved to another city and then Arizona, we talked on the phone at least monthly. 

Lee was diagnosed with incurable cancer, and her 2nd marriage ended. I flew her out to Arizona for a visit, not realizing how advanced her cancer was.   We were able to do a few fun things, including the Desert Botanical Gardens and Sedona.  Lee lived 9 months longer than her prognosis, and had started counseling again!  

I was on my way to work as a crisis therapist when I suddenly was overcome with grief about Lee!  Sure enough,  when I got home, there was a message that Lee had died during that time!  I was so bereft.  A week after my birthday, a birthday card arrived from Lee, and we never knew what human sent it because Lee had been in the hospital the last month of her life! Of course, it was Heaven sent!  

I still miss both of my Moms, but know I shall be with them again!  

Blessings and Happy Mother’s Day!  

Carolyn

My mom Barbara Inez Stevenson Walters

Carolyn & Mom

My favorite picture of my mom

Mom & Carolyn

Lee, my second mom, and her second husband.

Lee my second mom.

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My love affair with fur babies started as a child with our family pets, first a black and white Boston Terrier that we dearly loved and lost at age 5 doing what she loved the most, running free.  Our family was in great grief when my brother convinced Mom and Dad we needed another dog to help heal our grief and be a companion. Enter black and white Beau (Brummell) who lived an incredible 17 years and brought so much happiness!  

Somewhere along the line I fell in love with a black lab named Cleopatra, pet of a then boyfriend, and always wanted one from then on.  Finally in 2003 came regal Baron!  When I met him at age 3 weeks and put him on my shoulder, he made what I would come to call his “Mommy groan,” and I knew he was ours.  

We got Baron at age 6 weeks, and he tried to climb out of his box as I took him home, showing his first signs of being a “Marley” dog.  Remember the book and movie “Marley and Me?”  First came the gated area, then the crate, and finally dog training at 3-6 months!  At 6 months we left him crated for our first outing!  Upon our return home, I looked for his 6-foot leather leash which I had left on top of his enclosed kennel, and all I found was 2.5 feet and the clasp!  He had somehow managed to chew 3.5 feet into 1-inch pieces!  The vet said to give him pumpkin and it worked!  (Friendly tip if you need to get something moving). Baron was a such a handsome, beautiful boy with his dad’s coloring and his Mom’s build and short legs!  (Check out the pics).  He loved playing frisbee with his Dad and just hanging out.  His favorite activity with Mom was going for car rides and looking at the Christmas lights.  He lived an awesome 14 years.

 I have told Bo’s story in previous blogs.  A recap:  Molly, a dear young animal lover, texted me about this incredible black and white lab mix at a local shelter, and after God and Baron bugged me to see him, of course, he came home with me! Within the first hour, he had bonded with Dad, but it took longer with me. Bo suffered from PTSD, especially during thunderstorms, July 4, and in the nite.  It took a long time to help him attach.  The turning point came when we took him on a 1900 mile road trip with us and FINALLY, bonding with Mom!  The last few months of his life, he wanted to be with us, to be close to us, all the time.  I believe pets know when it is their time to get ready to cross the Rainbow Bridge.  He was ailing for only about 10 days and declined rapidly in 2 days.  

Again, my heart was broken! I tried to wait to look for another fur baby, but Bo appeared to my friend Janie in meditation and said he would soon send another dog to us.  And friends Steve and Diane Wolfe found another fur baby soon after losing their beloved Simon and that was a sign to me to go ahead!  

On our 17th wedding anniversary, we went to the AZ Animal Welfare League after making a Meet and Greet appointment online.  In her online pictures, this little black lab/corgi mix with a white blaze on her chest looked huge.  So when this doggie with a lab body and corgi legs came trotting out with a smile on her face, and immediately greeted me, then Don, with kisses and affection, my heart melted.  

 This past week has been adventuresome with Bella antics daily!  Out the front door, 2x and being found at our door waiting for me, learning not to lick, how to walk on a leash, and how to stay has been demanding, but she is the most loving, affectionate, joyous fur baby I have ever had.  She loves riding in the car with the windows down.  She loves all humans, other dogs not so much. Her separation anxiety is HUGE and will take time.

But as one of my spiritual teachers once said, the animals have come to love us unconditionally, to be our companions, and help make our burdens lighter.  And to bring us JOY💝🐱🐴🐶

 BLESSINGS UPON YOU AND YOUR FUR BABIES!

Carolyn

PS: Please share YOUR fur baby stories, including pics!

In Memory of Jerene Maierle

Ten days ago, we lost the woman who, for many of us in the Hospice world of the Valley of the Sun, was our Hospice Heroine, our mentor, our guide, our friend, our fearless leader.  (She was also known as the Queen and the Goddess). Even though she lived a long life, I think we all thought she would live forever!  

Jerene married young and had four children, Phil, Constance (Connie), Joe, and Cynthia (Cindi) whom she loved dearly and was there for them through life’s joys and sorrows.  In 1970, Jerene went to college and earned her Bachelor of Social Work degree from Arizona State University.

She used to regale me with stories of being a social worker in the Visiting Nurses Association.  Jerene’s social work values always permeated everything she did. In 1988, she became Director of Community Hospice and many of the staff from that original hospice experience were with her for many years. 

From 1994 to 2012 she was the dynamic, regal, yet down-to-earth Director of Hospice of Arizona (HOA).  She continued to work as a hospice consultant and director in Hospices for many more years because full retirement was just not for her! She also was President of Arizona Hospice and Palliative Care Organization.

Through it all, the care of Hospice patients and their families always took precedence, even though she was a Certified Hospice Administrator and leader of one of the largest Hospices in the country.  All who knew her and those who loved her had their lives touched, influenced, changed by her in some way.  

My own highly personal experiences with Jerene started in 2000.  I had just been accepted to Seminary in Tucson and needed to work in a job that would support me in this journey. Jerene personally made the call to let me know I had the social work job!  My stars were finally aligning! I was doing Seminary long distance that first semester and working full time.  One evening after work, I gathered my courage to meet with Jerene.  I was telling her as we had discussed previously that I needed to cut back my hours.  I suddenly burst into tears as I told Jerene how much I loved my job and I did not want to leave.  Jerene leaped up from behind her desk and wrapped her arms around me, telling me tearfully herself that of course I still had my job with reduced hours.  She even made me the float social worker to help accommodate me!

My next big surprise came when, before I had even been ordained, Jerene chose me to be the next new chaplain.  I was on my way to California and did not get the message till I returned!  Unbeknownst to me, Jerene had told some others I would be the new chaplain.  Feeling uncertain and scared, I was not sure.  My husband told me that this was a gift from God (and Jerene) so I better take it!  I did, and started one of the most fulfilling chapters of my life careerwise!

Jerene’s son Phil had a beautiful, big black lab named Shaq (after guess who?) who fathered a litter of all black puppies with one of our nurse’s (Peg Brannigan) yellow lab.  Four of us staff adopted these babies and Jerene let us pick them up at the office!  When the puppies were six months old, she invited us to have a dog day at the office so the pups could be with their sibs.  Part of the joyous day was spent in her office with her and the pups!  She applauded my Baron when he turned around and growled at a sib who was bothering him.  Jerene was always for the underdog😂

I had the honor of performing a small private wedding for a group homeowner at Jerene’s home, and she told me she hoped she was invited to my upcoming wedding!  So my wedding went from a small backyard affair in Judy Peters’ lovely desert home to a huge joyous affair attended by many Hospice staff, including Jerene and her daughter Cindi!

Jerene suffered two huge losses in 2007 and 2008.  Her two oldest children suffered from incurable illnesses.  Connie had fought valiantly for ten years, but Phil died first in the HOA Butterfly Unit.  I got to visit him and was going to bring Shaq’s son, our Baron, to see him, but we did not make it in time.😪 Connie died the following December 2008. Jerene with her usual grace, grit, and gratitude somehow endured these soul-wrenching losses and lived out the rest of her life, continuing to work in Hospice, being there for others, both her staff and patients and being actively involved in her many and varied interests, especially tennis.  I personally believe it was her own faith (which she lived out), her remaining children,  grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, and her continued zest for life that allowed her to keep going.

Jerene spent the last few months in the home of her beloved granddaughter and family, being cared for by White Rose Hospice (Cindi’s), receiving the care that she had helped provide for so many.  

Even though we are so saddened at her loss, she lives on in our hearts and our memories. WE SO MISS YOU JERENE BUT KNOW  YOU ARE AT LAST IN THAT HEAVENLY REALM WITH YOUR LOVED ONES AND THE LORD😪😂😊

I invite you to recall and remember how Jerene touched your life or that special someone who made a difference in your life. 

Pictures of Jerene and her hands being held on her last day.

Blessings,

Carolyn

In the midst of Lent and this Easter season, I experienced three losses.

The first was our beloved BO, followed shortly by finding out that Pastor Bob Pekarski had died the previous month. That same week,  we learned that Hospice Social Worker Judy Wineland was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and to our shock, she died the following week on 3/24.  

Struggling with these losses has been eased by the promises of Easter,  the hope and belief in eternal life, and the promise of being reunited with those we love!  

Last Sunday I was gifted with the amazing portrait of Bo in the Universe, and it has comforted and propelled me forward in my grief.  Commissioned by the Rian women in my life, and painted by Pastor and Artist Rebekah Krevens, it brings much joy!  If you would like a portrait of your fur baby by Rebekah, you can order one through Etsy.com/shop/rebekahkartstudio

To be continued on my next blog!

Blessings,

Carolyn Q.

I want to give a Shoutout to all for the loving and comforting support in the loss of our doggie Bo.

Today is both a day of joy and sadness. Joy as I celebrate 34 years of recovery on this date and sadness in grieving Bo and the loss of two dear Hospice friends.

Loss, grief, and recovery cut across addictions, chronic illness, and loss of loved ones in similar ways. We experience first Denial (This is not happening!), and then Shock (This cannot be happening!). For some, denial never really ends.  Once the shock wears off, the sheer force of emotions can hit like a tsunami. It is NECESSARY to experience these emotions so healing can begin.  

In addictions, illness, and loss of loved ones, we can lose ourselves. In healing and recovery, we can find ourselves in new and different ways.

For me in addiction, it was the spiritual programs of 12 step groups that saved me. For some, it can be through Celebrate Recovery, for others, Smart Recovery.  For some, it is an individual journey.  

I suffer from chronic pain due to arthritis and some other conditions.  

Support groups abound for almost any chronic illness both in person and online, and the support of others with similar conditions can be so helpful.  I also have friends with chronic illness that find healing through the art of gardening.  One friend with a chronic illness has her whole family participating in planting, raising, harvesting, and eating the products of their  gardening.  The same was true in my family!   

 In nursing school, I was introduced to Norman Cousins who helped heal his connective tissue disease through watching comedic movies and Candid Camera! 

In the loss of loved ones, many things help us heal.  As I held Bo in his last moments, I suddenly felt the pain in my shoulders, neck, and head release.  Just like Bo, I was letting go.  I also have been going on our car rides with rock and roll music blaring to help me heal. 

Reminiscence, storytelling, life review is another way to help heal our grief.  I especially love to recall the lives of and with my parents which is so precious.

Support groups for bereavement can be invaluable in healing grief.

Via Facebook, I get invaluable enjoyment and support through groups such as Traveling Back to the Old Days ’40s-’80s and Mastering the Tides Recovery Consciousness (for those in various stages of recovery from addictions).

Whatever works for you, whatever is right for your healing, is the path for you to follow!

Blessings,

Carolyn   

Little did I know that the day after my last blog we would lose our rescue Boy Bo the next day. Here is his story with Donn and me.

You already know the beginning from last week.  What I did not share was that I initially did not tell Donn about getting him because he was not ready for another dog.  But when I told him, he said, “Just bring him home!” All we knew about Bo was that he was 5 years old, weighed only 68#, was part Black Lab and ?, had been picked up in South Phoenix on Hallowe’en, and was friendly.

Bo the Runner:  Just as I got him out of the shelter, he got away from me and bounded.  Fortunately, I had a fast foot and stepped firmly on his leash!  When he first met Daddy, he dived for me in the front seat of the car.  Daddy was able to coax him out of the car, and within an hour, they were totally bonded!  

We had to watch him closely because he was always ready to go for the open spaces in the first year.  One day he got away from me and joyfully bounded across 3 lanes of traffic; he only stopped because a woman had stopped and reached out for him with me close behind.  The next time he ran, he bounded across 6 lanes of traffic at 6:30 pm in rush hour! It was as if the Red Sea parted and he was not hit!  He finally went up to a friendly guy who grabbed his collar till, out of breath and hearts in our throats, we got him. 

It took him a long time to fully bond with us.  We discovered he had PTSD as he would absolutely PANIC with any loud noise, or growl and jump if approached unexpectedly. When we took him on a 1900 mile car trip with us to Wyoming, his unconditional love for us finally grew and grew.

Riding in the car was his MOST FAVORITE ACTIVITY with Mommy. He also LOVED to look at Christmas lights!  When Covid hit in March 2020, we would go for rides at least 3x a week.  Then, after I had my concussion in May 2020, and could do nothing for months, we hung out together, and he became my best bud.  

The last few months of his life, he just wanted to be with us all the time.  He would dive-bomb his daddy joyously and follow me everywhere.  Proof that to me that animals always know when it is about time they have to go.  He was only unwell for about 2 weeks, and we were going to the wonderful Norterra Animal Hospital.  But on March 15, the Ides of March, he could suddenly not breathe, and I rushed him to 1st Pet Vet North Valley.  It was found he had a mass near his lower tummy. He Rallied, much to our surprise/relief, but then suddenly declined and the decision you never want to make had to be made.  

He had the most wonderful care and love at Ist Pet, and I was able to sing him The Angel Song and Precious Lord and hold him.  He had what we called in hospice a good death.  He crossed the Rainbow Bridge with our Baron to guide him.  Daddy said “We were a little family unit,” and that, “Bo did it right, going so fast with little suffering.”  Bo also visited my bestie Janie to let her know how much he loved us, did not want to go, and another doggie would come soon.  This was so comforting.  Yes, I believe in After-Death Communication with our loved ones!  

We love you FOREVER BO!  And we will be together again!  

Love Your Daddy and Mommy

Bo’s first visit to our vet – 2017

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Bo with Daddy

Bo at Christmas with Matt

Bo doing his favorite thing with his mom: A ride in the car!

Bo’s favorite ride

Bo’s paw print